Its been a real long time since I've wrote anything on this thing...that gos for myspace facebook and xanga haha. Ive had very little time to write my thoughts on much for the pure fact i barely have the time to think. I got up and over the last situation in its entirety. I felt then that as strong as i had become from the events of my past that again someone came in and shattered me yet this the person did it intentionally. I felt as if my personal growth was being diminished in front of my eyes. However i now see that the situation only helped me grow further as a person. It helped me to see how critical Ive been in the past. I think your heart comes back beating stronger after its had the shit beaten out of it. That person is one i hope to never again encounter in my life. It is said that hatred is wrong but my heart is filled with nothing but hate for a person who could be completely cruel and uncaring of someones feelings. I have not heart or forgiveness for someone like that even if that person was seeking it. It amazed me how well i did moving past it. I've heard it said that if feelings you once felt come back those are feelings that never truly went away. How could I explain my feelings when i myself do not understand them? I don't understand how you can bare feelings for years...Through my maturing...Through my entire change as a person. I'm sixteen and I've felt such strong feelings since i was a thirteen year old naive child. There must be some meaning behind that. I've been though of as crazy for not moving on when in fact I've done just that. I've danced my way up and down the dating game and i can say I've come in contact with ALL sorts of guys. The Thug, The Skater, The Marine, The Surfer,The Biker,The Redneck,The Bad Boy, Now The nice guy. I cant even say the majority of them lasted a month. Those being in the past two years. The honest to God truth that i even am starting to believe i layed my emotions down far before i took a step on the playing field. I hope i have the strength to shake the feelings. This isn't the time or the place for history to repeat itself. I cant say on the future. I've repeatedly said i wont settle...i wont wait around...i wont go back although the ones that love me most fear it...I always will. Its the inevitable. Its the truth. I don't know where i am or where I'm going but i know where i was and what it all meant to me back then. This all being only feelings...feelings i wont act on. I would never come between true happiness for my own selfishness. I have such vitality running through me. Such thinking to do. Whats meant to be will. For The Record Im ashamed of the feelings ive bared for so long.

I will forever and always unconditionally Love you.

I Turned sixteen on the ninth. There isn't a significant difference. Since i was 13 I've anticipated the day. Thinking it would be a epic plunge into freedom. It may still be just that. My mind wasn't clouded with excitement the way i had thought it would be since i was a little girl. I suppose i let a person destroy my being ecstatic. My thoughts still remain negative filled with disappointment along with regret. I'm doing better about it all though. I'm breathing just fine. I met someone who with my like blinded eyes i saw a false side of. This side being what i felt i needed and knew that i wanted. I was betrayed by the true side of this person. Revealed at that moment was scum of the fucking earth that i had mistaken for an easy going humoring guy. It truly shattered me this i am ashamed by. I got demised i got played. It was either sink or swim from that moment. So i moved past it. The truth is i trust the people i want far to easily, I create a false image of someone else on my own, believe their sincerity with my whole heart. Therefor i am my own downfall. In the past situation that person being artificial from the start multiplied that false image. I've been every type of significant other that a girl can be. I've been that all to loving naive girlfriend who came out crushed. I've been that hurt all too harsh ex girlfriend playing the field and every thing that crossed it and then i was that ex girlfriend that became caught up in intense feeling on that field broken the second i dropped my guard. It takes me time to know if i care or if i don't but I've been nothing but honest and nothing but myself. I guarded my heart like some kind of castle I didn't let anyone in just because they wished it because after this all i know better than anyone, what happens when you get attached. Two completely different guys that's should be dead to me. How could i see the slightest bit of beauty in them. Simply because people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them the more unattainable, the more attractive. I'm so use to longing for rather than having the people i want. I know some day i will baffle the fuck out of all that's abandoned me. I've always been ambivalent. I cant choose on anything. So when i do its a very thought out decision. I hope they never are stuck with the pain they individually scarred me with although i know they someday will be. I have made many mistakes and could never offer anyone perfection, but love I've always offered just to have it slam me to the gravel. Age makes the difference. Think your a grown ass man? I don't see much of a man from where I'm at? Your actions have no justification. Your standing pretty tall for a coward.

Well my last post was solely based off of emotions and no logic at all. I was just as mistaken as i was the first time. I Held back like i promised myself i would, but when someones leading you to believe they feel a certain way then they completely switch it on you last minute you find yourself a bit blind sighted. Your told you deserve such great things "you deserve the world" No one person can have the world nor does any one person deserve it. My wants have always been simple never quite as great as the world. I want someone for once in my life to be real. Say nothing more than what they mean. Don't tell me you love me unless you do. Don't tell me what i deserve because i deserve more than you most likely know. Don't tell me you cant meet my needs when you have no idea what needs i have to be met. Don't feed me complete bullshit for weeks maybe months. Don't Play it off like your some optimistic and i the pessimist when its really the opposite. Don't make it out like your too busy when I'm the busy one. In reality I'm the best fucking thing that stepped into your life and you had it all for a pretty little while. Its whatever now and I'm bouncing back. I've got the most incredible mother in the universe. The most amazing best friend in this world and the perfect car ever [That will me located in my driveway tomorrow!] I don't need to do anything but focus on my studies. It may be difficult but its better than being exhausted crying myself to sleep over someone who contradicted every word he said. I've been broken before it'll be alright. It always is with me. Its a whatever situation. I ordinarily don't give anything up not matter the pain no matter the circumstances. But i go off whats worth my time my while. I wasted enough time on someone undeserving of the energy it takes to bend my pinkie to allow myself to do it again. They speak it as if its about what i deserve what i need but what its about is their convenience and if I'm at it. I'm done settling.
I know if it mattered he'd make the effort then again I'm just fine with not mattering.

Mother like Daughter Father like Son.

I have the rules for myself that i do because of weeks like this. When id rather be asleep because the people i need seem to be. I've been strong because i know what its like to be weak. I hold a guard because i know what its like to cry until i fall asleep. I'm independent because i know how it feels when the one you depend on drops you. I'm the person i am because i refuse to fall apart at the actions of another. Ive been the way i have because i guess i got really hurt and something inside of me shut off. Something that fueled me was terminated. I woke up once and i realized letting go isn't something you do once its something you do every day. Its not decided for tomorrow or until the weekend or even next year. Its decided for the rest of your life. I will never tell him how much i cried the day he deceived me in my entirety because i made the decision that there's no future it is and will forever be over. I felt like lost baggage called with my dignity along with my retrieved pride. I learned i stop at almost nothing for what i want until i come across something i want more...Sometimes in your life, you need lust. You need the adrenaline rush knowing that this is not forever and that you're not committed to anything this is where i lied to myself. Here i am wishing these were really feelings of lust and that i truly haven't committed myself that i was right in thinking this all. But i wasnt. I unintentionally let my guard down and i unintentionally committed to someone new, someone truthful, someone worth it. Someone who trully cared. My unintentional result in all of this is that I'm loosing it all. Ive failed myself. Ive left myself empty and again completely broken. I haven't felt this bitter hurt in years. Complete and utter hopelessness. I know what i want but its too late. I don't take risks the way i should and i pay greatly for it in the long run. I don't care to be with someone else. I want to sleep for as long as i can. I'm straddling the line of giving in or seeing how much more i can take. For the record my situations hopeless and my being a coward is the cause of it.

I'm a small town girl. I was born and raised in Panama City Florida. Where i live where i work where i go to high school where i went to middle school and where i went to elementary school are all less than 5 miles from another. Since i was a little girl I've known that i have a woman in my life that would do anything under and around the sun for me. That woman being my mother. I've known i have a Father who's taught me the true meaning of abandonment that stings far more than any of the other guys who followed his lead in neglecting me. I often feel as if I'm completely alone in this world with the weight of it resting upon my shoulders. I've got a guard like the gates of some kingdom any time i let it fall even an inch it gets rushed. such as a man bailing on his daughter a boy sleeping around or a guy leaving the state. I wont lie I've become this decisive girl hurting guys that I've lost interest in or changed my mind about because I'm not looking for a temporary fix for this permanent flaw. This is my apology. I don't make promises i don't intend to keep the reason i don't rush into relationships. I hope to someday be happy. I'm completely content until then. I don't need a guy to know true happiness. I have a Best Friend that stops the universe in its spinning tracks when its make a mockery of my mind. Without her in my life I'm not sure where i would be. Shes like my second half my sequel. A Guy Best Friend that gives me a logical side and laughter. He's a champ. I'm looking for improvements but i have a life that i cherish each day that i partake it. I have my complications with it but complication is whats made me. My struggles help me learn...My mistakes and yes I've made many help me grow. I go to sleep every night and wake up every morning knowing God has blessed me with amazing people and an amazing life and i will continue to love God for the entirety of it. I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees. I stand strong and I stand tall in every decision I've ever made. Just an intro of the person i am and the life i lead. For the record im going to blow the hell out of this towns mind without even leaving it.
I'm not looking down but i see no one above me.