I have the rules for myself that i do because of weeks like this. When id rather be asleep because the people i need seem to be. I've been strong because i know what its like to be weak. I hold a guard because i know what its like to cry until i fall asleep. I'm independent because i know how it feels when the one you depend on drops you. I'm the person i am because i refuse to fall apart at the actions of another. Ive been the way i have because i guess i got really hurt and something inside of me shut off. Something that fueled me was terminated. I woke up once and i realized letting go isn't something you do once its something you do every day. Its not decided for tomorrow or until the weekend or even next year. Its decided for the rest of your life. I will never tell him how much i cried the day he deceived me in my entirety because i made the decision that there's no future it is and will forever be over. I felt like lost baggage called with my dignity along with my retrieved pride. I learned i stop at almost nothing for what i want until i come across something i want more...Sometimes in your life, you need lust. You need the adrenaline rush knowing that this is not forever and that you're not committed to anything this is where i lied to myself. Here i am wishing these were really feelings of lust and that i truly haven't committed myself that i was right in thinking this all. But i wasnt. I unintentionally let my guard down and i unintentionally committed to someone new, someone truthful, someone worth it. Someone who trully cared. My unintentional result in all of this is that I'm loosing it all. Ive failed myself. Ive left myself empty and again completely broken. I haven't felt this bitter hurt in years. Complete and utter hopelessness. I know what i want but its too late. I don't take risks the way i should and i pay greatly for it in the long run. I don't care to be with someone else. I want to sleep for as long as i can. I'm straddling the line of giving in or seeing how much more i can take. For the record my situations hopeless and my being a coward is the cause of it.