Schools starting back in a little more than a week. Cant say I'm too thrilled. I find myself in the deepest depression one could imagine. I hate my Job i hate school and i hate struggle. I've struggled all my life to be happy. To stand up from the holes I've stumbled in and strut my shit like every ones watching. I've always had a sink or swim attitude. I'm not certain if I'm a pessimist or an optimist. a lover or a fighter. Independent or dependent. Happy or miserable. I'm not certain of many things at all. Love however is something i have always been very certain of. Certain enough to be miserable certain enough to be dependent certain enough to be optimistic. I'm angry at who or what I'm not "certain of" but anger is there. I have the biggest of urges to just knock the shit out of anyone or anything that comes my way. I feel as if a part of me had not left but evaporated over time. I never meant for things to come to this. I don't even know what were fighting for. I feel like I'm at war. How could two feet at one become so divided now? Anyone will say if i Kayla ever loved you i still to this day do and will do anything for you. I don't have a switch to turn my love on and off. I see people who claimed such love split up and hate one anothers guts. If love is that's easy to let go it wasn't love at all. maybe lust..but that's not love. Love is a whole different thing. I'm not certain how chemistry was reversed. I'm in such need of finding myself. That girl that turned every head she stepped by. The girl laughing. The girl that held such confidence. such independence such beauty...but i have to work on that girl too because she was a pessimist she was a fighter she was empty. I'm not certain if i will recover from this. It took me long years before. Years that i just knew would kill me. One thing i can say about myself though...I'm a strong bitch. Sometimes the strongest people in the morning are the ones that cry themselves to sleep at night. I will use my strength and my unfailing faith in God to make it through this. To my friends i may not be responsive to your attempts to help me this time around. While you pulled me through this last time i need to find it in myself to pull through something. I have to start doing things for Kayla. I've grown up to fast. There is nothing i can do to alter that now. I was existing instead of living before then i found someone that put such life in me. I feel that vitality being sucked out of me. I have to live independently. I have to make me happy instead of depending on someone else to do so. That's where the problem lies. I depend on me for everything except my happiness. This was the most amazing love story of my life. It played out amazingly. innocently. I don't know where i am with it. Where I'm going with it. Or if its even come to a close. I write such pretty words but life's no story book. For the record i am only certain of love.

I never leave the lights on much

now i got a feeling maybe its time

for sleep Ive got this cellular phone

whispering I'm alone so Pull down the

moon bring me back to any night with

you turn all the lights of in the room its

my last chance with you.

This town breeds low life shit starting scum like the shower walls in a crack house. I sit here thinking back on all the bitches the tricks the douche bags the fucking ass holes that thrive on making others lives filled with complication and ultimately driving it into the ground. What significance could my life past and present possibly have to you? Why tell such lies? If and when i find out who you, you promiscuous lieing little bitch you will regret even knowing my name. I highly doubt you even know who i am to know such bullshit about my past and my own personal feelings of the heart. I have completely let my guard down. I found the person I've been looking for my entire life. Each step i take in this makes it easier to fall on my face. I have the up most trust the up most faith. Ive been through it all the fails the falls, this is different than anything I've ever known anything I've ever felt. To step into my life wanting to destroy this bitch you must not know me not enough to know i will rock your shit to hell and back. Guys have come a dime a dozen in my days but not this. I'm a truly passionate person when it comes to my heart. He can have my heart he can have my ultimate true love because i wont need it if this isn't it for me. If it was possible to rip out pages of my history i still wouldn't even put a tear in one. I have kept one foot in front of the other making thought out decisions with each step. I've loved and I've let go with my whole heart. I don't regret a step I've taken or a decision Ive made. It may have taken time but i walked out i moved on. I've burned the bridges to my past. I have the most amazing precious boyfriend on this earth simply because hes loves me enough to stick around through the good and through the bad. I'm beginning to find a balance with my friends my boyfriend and my family. Its not okay to banish someone from their family not when their half my heart. So I'm done abiding by the boundaries my dis functional family have set for me. Let the love in and the hatred out. Simply Love each other. My friends and i support each other through each others heart ache. We laugh and learn together, but my boyfriend the one that's become my best friend the one i hope becomes my family hes gonna be around for awhile if its up to me. but it wont ever be up to some bitch. The lies have caused stress at its highest level in my relationship but we overcame it. So instead of being envious of my relationship make an example of it for the next time you decide to intervene in one. Not everyone has a simple breaking bond that can be shattered any moment by the simplest of rumors. You thought you knew bitch but you had no idea. The one I'm in love with is the one you lied to.

So Baby don't worry you are my only even if the sky is falling down.

For the record this is my everything.