Schools starting back in a little more than a week. Cant say I'm too thrilled. I find myself in the deepest depression one could imagine. I hate my Job i hate school and i hate struggle. I've struggled all my life to be happy. To stand up from the holes I've stumbled in and strut my shit like every ones watching. I've always had a sink or swim attitude. I'm not certain if I'm a pessimist or an optimist. a lover or a fighter. Independent or dependent. Happy or miserable. I'm not certain of many things at all. Love however is something i have always been very certain of. Certain enough to be miserable certain enough to be dependent certain enough to be optimistic. I'm angry at who or what I'm not "certain of" but anger is there. I have the biggest of urges to just knock the shit out of anyone or anything that comes my way. I feel as if a part of me had not left but evaporated over time. I never meant for things to come to this. I don't even know what were fighting for. I feel like I'm at war. How could two feet at one become so divided now? Anyone will say if i Kayla ever loved you i still to this day do and will do anything for you. I don't have a switch to turn my love on and off. I see people who claimed such love split up and hate one anothers guts. If love is that's easy to let go it wasn't love at all. maybe lust..but that's not love. Love is a whole different thing. I'm not certain how chemistry was reversed. I'm in such need of finding myself. That girl that turned every head she stepped by. The girl laughing. The girl that held such confidence. such independence such beauty...but i have to work on that girl too because she was a pessimist she was a fighter she was empty. I'm not certain if i will recover from this. It took me long years before. Years that i just knew would kill me. One thing i can say about myself though...I'm a strong bitch. Sometimes the strongest people in the morning are the ones that cry themselves to sleep at night. I will use my strength and my unfailing faith in God to make it through this. To my friends i may not be responsive to your attempts to help me this time around. While you pulled me through this last time i need to find it in myself to pull through something. I have to start doing things for Kayla. I've grown up to fast. There is nothing i can do to alter that now. I was existing instead of living before then i found someone that put such life in me. I feel that vitality being sucked out of me. I have to live independently. I have to make me happy instead of depending on someone else to do so. That's where the problem lies. I depend on me for everything except my happiness. This was the most amazing love story of my life. It played out amazingly. innocently. I don't know where i am with it. Where I'm going with it. Or if its even come to a close. I write such pretty words but life's no story book. For the record i am only certain of love.

I never leave the lights on much

now i got a feeling maybe its time

for sleep Ive got this cellular phone

whispering I'm alone so Pull down the

moon bring me back to any night with

you turn all the lights of in the room its

my last chance with you.

This town breeds low life shit starting scum like the shower walls in a crack house. I sit here thinking back on all the bitches the tricks the douche bags the fucking ass holes that thrive on making others lives filled with complication and ultimately driving it into the ground. What significance could my life past and present possibly have to you? Why tell such lies? If and when i find out who you, you promiscuous lieing little bitch you will regret even knowing my name. I highly doubt you even know who i am to know such bullshit about my past and my own personal feelings of the heart. I have completely let my guard down. I found the person I've been looking for my entire life. Each step i take in this makes it easier to fall on my face. I have the up most trust the up most faith. Ive been through it all the fails the falls, this is different than anything I've ever known anything I've ever felt. To step into my life wanting to destroy this bitch you must not know me not enough to know i will rock your shit to hell and back. Guys have come a dime a dozen in my days but not this. I'm a truly passionate person when it comes to my heart. He can have my heart he can have my ultimate true love because i wont need it if this isn't it for me. If it was possible to rip out pages of my history i still wouldn't even put a tear in one. I have kept one foot in front of the other making thought out decisions with each step. I've loved and I've let go with my whole heart. I don't regret a step I've taken or a decision Ive made. It may have taken time but i walked out i moved on. I've burned the bridges to my past. I have the most amazing precious boyfriend on this earth simply because hes loves me enough to stick around through the good and through the bad. I'm beginning to find a balance with my friends my boyfriend and my family. Its not okay to banish someone from their family not when their half my heart. So I'm done abiding by the boundaries my dis functional family have set for me. Let the love in and the hatred out. Simply Love each other. My friends and i support each other through each others heart ache. We laugh and learn together, but my boyfriend the one that's become my best friend the one i hope becomes my family hes gonna be around for awhile if its up to me. but it wont ever be up to some bitch. The lies have caused stress at its highest level in my relationship but we overcame it. So instead of being envious of my relationship make an example of it for the next time you decide to intervene in one. Not everyone has a simple breaking bond that can be shattered any moment by the simplest of rumors. You thought you knew bitch but you had no idea. The one I'm in love with is the one you lied to.

So Baby don't worry you are my only even if the sky is falling down.

For the record this is my everything.

Reading this makes me realize how indecisive i am, how often my perception of things change. My last post expresses completely different emotions than i feel now. My whole life has changed. Its summer and I'm having an amazing break from busting ass with studying. less than a month into summer i met someone who I'm completely crazy about. I can honestly say looking back on the past five or six years I've been a train wreck. I got hurt and i stayed hurt. Ive been such a bitter bitch. What i was so short to realize was I was chasing the memories the pictures the false hope of someone who i can no longer tolerate...someone who is completely changed. All my relationships since have only felt forced...until now. I cant remember ever connecting to someone the way i am now. Its been so long since I've had so much to laugh about so much to love so much to be completely smitten about. I believe God has answered all my prayers. In this one angel. I've settled all my life to find someone so impeccable. I feel complete for the first time in my existence. I'm so hesitant to take risks. I've taken one and i think its the best decision I've made in my entire life. I don't care what others think. "I'm going to end up heartbroken again." "He sleeps around." " I'm rushing things." "hes a dirt bag" The list gos on I'm sure...but none of that makes a difference to me...its just he and i and unconditional feelings. I'd say its love and you will say I'm crazy, but i cant explain feelings. I cant make anyone understand. Fuck my past because I'm focused on my future. No ridiculous ridicule from anyone with change my mind. People are so entwined in ignorance and self pity they fail to give a little to people who are trying to be happy. I've waited so long straddling the line of contentment and I'm finally completely and fully happy. My life is something i Cherish every aspect of it. Its unreal to think back a month ago of myself in completely misery. I met someone who lifts my spirits. I'm not looking to get hurt...fall apart. But I'm taking this chance...for the first time in a long time I'm doing something for myself...i can only hope the people around me could understand.



We were never meant to be baby we just happened.
They say i move to quick but we cant let this moment pass us.
Sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down just get back up when it knocks you down.

Its been a real long time since I've wrote anything on this thing...that gos for myspace facebook and xanga haha. Ive had very little time to write my thoughts on much for the pure fact i barely have the time to think. I got up and over the last situation in its entirety. I felt then that as strong as i had become from the events of my past that again someone came in and shattered me yet this the person did it intentionally. I felt as if my personal growth was being diminished in front of my eyes. However i now see that the situation only helped me grow further as a person. It helped me to see how critical Ive been in the past. I think your heart comes back beating stronger after its had the shit beaten out of it. That person is one i hope to never again encounter in my life. It is said that hatred is wrong but my heart is filled with nothing but hate for a person who could be completely cruel and uncaring of someones feelings. I have not heart or forgiveness for someone like that even if that person was seeking it. It amazed me how well i did moving past it. I've heard it said that if feelings you once felt come back those are feelings that never truly went away. How could I explain my feelings when i myself do not understand them? I don't understand how you can bare feelings for years...Through my maturing...Through my entire change as a person. I'm sixteen and I've felt such strong feelings since i was a thirteen year old naive child. There must be some meaning behind that. I've been though of as crazy for not moving on when in fact I've done just that. I've danced my way up and down the dating game and i can say I've come in contact with ALL sorts of guys. The Thug, The Skater, The Marine, The Surfer,The Biker,The Redneck,The Bad Boy, Now The nice guy. I cant even say the majority of them lasted a month. Those being in the past two years. The honest to God truth that i even am starting to believe i layed my emotions down far before i took a step on the playing field. I hope i have the strength to shake the feelings. This isn't the time or the place for history to repeat itself. I cant say on the future. I've repeatedly said i wont settle...i wont wait around...i wont go back although the ones that love me most fear it...I always will. Its the inevitable. Its the truth. I don't know where i am or where I'm going but i know where i was and what it all meant to me back then. This all being only feelings...feelings i wont act on. I would never come between true happiness for my own selfishness. I have such vitality running through me. Such thinking to do. Whats meant to be will. For The Record Im ashamed of the feelings ive bared for so long.

I will forever and always unconditionally Love you.

I Turned sixteen on the ninth. There isn't a significant difference. Since i was 13 I've anticipated the day. Thinking it would be a epic plunge into freedom. It may still be just that. My mind wasn't clouded with excitement the way i had thought it would be since i was a little girl. I suppose i let a person destroy my being ecstatic. My thoughts still remain negative filled with disappointment along with regret. I'm doing better about it all though. I'm breathing just fine. I met someone who with my like blinded eyes i saw a false side of. This side being what i felt i needed and knew that i wanted. I was betrayed by the true side of this person. Revealed at that moment was scum of the fucking earth that i had mistaken for an easy going humoring guy. It truly shattered me this i am ashamed by. I got demised i got played. It was either sink or swim from that moment. So i moved past it. The truth is i trust the people i want far to easily, I create a false image of someone else on my own, believe their sincerity with my whole heart. Therefor i am my own downfall. In the past situation that person being artificial from the start multiplied that false image. I've been every type of significant other that a girl can be. I've been that all to loving naive girlfriend who came out crushed. I've been that hurt all too harsh ex girlfriend playing the field and every thing that crossed it and then i was that ex girlfriend that became caught up in intense feeling on that field broken the second i dropped my guard. It takes me time to know if i care or if i don't but I've been nothing but honest and nothing but myself. I guarded my heart like some kind of castle I didn't let anyone in just because they wished it because after this all i know better than anyone, what happens when you get attached. Two completely different guys that's should be dead to me. How could i see the slightest bit of beauty in them. Simply because people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them the more unattainable, the more attractive. I'm so use to longing for rather than having the people i want. I know some day i will baffle the fuck out of all that's abandoned me. I've always been ambivalent. I cant choose on anything. So when i do its a very thought out decision. I hope they never are stuck with the pain they individually scarred me with although i know they someday will be. I have made many mistakes and could never offer anyone perfection, but love I've always offered just to have it slam me to the gravel. Age makes the difference. Think your a grown ass man? I don't see much of a man from where I'm at? Your actions have no justification. Your standing pretty tall for a coward.

Well my last post was solely based off of emotions and no logic at all. I was just as mistaken as i was the first time. I Held back like i promised myself i would, but when someones leading you to believe they feel a certain way then they completely switch it on you last minute you find yourself a bit blind sighted. Your told you deserve such great things "you deserve the world" No one person can have the world nor does any one person deserve it. My wants have always been simple never quite as great as the world. I want someone for once in my life to be real. Say nothing more than what they mean. Don't tell me you love me unless you do. Don't tell me what i deserve because i deserve more than you most likely know. Don't tell me you cant meet my needs when you have no idea what needs i have to be met. Don't feed me complete bullshit for weeks maybe months. Don't Play it off like your some optimistic and i the pessimist when its really the opposite. Don't make it out like your too busy when I'm the busy one. In reality I'm the best fucking thing that stepped into your life and you had it all for a pretty little while. Its whatever now and I'm bouncing back. I've got the most incredible mother in the universe. The most amazing best friend in this world and the perfect car ever [That will me located in my driveway tomorrow!] I don't need to do anything but focus on my studies. It may be difficult but its better than being exhausted crying myself to sleep over someone who contradicted every word he said. I've been broken before it'll be alright. It always is with me. Its a whatever situation. I ordinarily don't give anything up not matter the pain no matter the circumstances. But i go off whats worth my time my while. I wasted enough time on someone undeserving of the energy it takes to bend my pinkie to allow myself to do it again. They speak it as if its about what i deserve what i need but what its about is their convenience and if I'm at it. I'm done settling.
I know if it mattered he'd make the effort then again I'm just fine with not mattering.

Mother like Daughter Father like Son.

I have the rules for myself that i do because of weeks like this. When id rather be asleep because the people i need seem to be. I've been strong because i know what its like to be weak. I hold a guard because i know what its like to cry until i fall asleep. I'm independent because i know how it feels when the one you depend on drops you. I'm the person i am because i refuse to fall apart at the actions of another. Ive been the way i have because i guess i got really hurt and something inside of me shut off. Something that fueled me was terminated. I woke up once and i realized letting go isn't something you do once its something you do every day. Its not decided for tomorrow or until the weekend or even next year. Its decided for the rest of your life. I will never tell him how much i cried the day he deceived me in my entirety because i made the decision that there's no future it is and will forever be over. I felt like lost baggage called with my dignity along with my retrieved pride. I learned i stop at almost nothing for what i want until i come across something i want more...Sometimes in your life, you need lust. You need the adrenaline rush knowing that this is not forever and that you're not committed to anything this is where i lied to myself. Here i am wishing these were really feelings of lust and that i truly haven't committed myself that i was right in thinking this all. But i wasnt. I unintentionally let my guard down and i unintentionally committed to someone new, someone truthful, someone worth it. Someone who trully cared. My unintentional result in all of this is that I'm loosing it all. Ive failed myself. Ive left myself empty and again completely broken. I haven't felt this bitter hurt in years. Complete and utter hopelessness. I know what i want but its too late. I don't take risks the way i should and i pay greatly for it in the long run. I don't care to be with someone else. I want to sleep for as long as i can. I'm straddling the line of giving in or seeing how much more i can take. For the record my situations hopeless and my being a coward is the cause of it.